Amarna Forum

Hello there, I thought it might be useful to write a bit about some of my personal experiences regarding the topic at hand, as an individual case study that might highlight and/or contrast some of the phenomena discussed in this thread. Thinking critically about what I experienced also helps me process what happened as well as to trace the trajectory and development of certain thought patterns and obsessions that I'm still plagued by. The perspective is that of a young internet autist who struggles with ''gender identity'' and transsexual thoughts. I will try my best to keep this tidy and on track, not unduly dwelling on unimportant and overly personal details. As this is a difficult subject for me to approach I apologize for any obfuscation that may thence arise. This will be a very candid account, I'm sorry if it may elicit disgust.

As young child I showed no signs of being a tranny, I had no desire to be girl nor was I attracted to behaviors and activities normally considered feminine, though I was and still am rather sensitive, albeit headstrong, while also possessing a histrionic vein.

Household conditions were not ideal and showed some of the trends mentioned in this thread already; mine was a controlling(and fat) mother who also ran the household, while my father mostly cleaved to her wishes, perhaps due to the age difference between them(12 years) and his personal inclinations( maybe some sort of ''mommy issue''/strong women obsession). My father was a former athlete and in many ways a stereotypical chad archetype. I had an older half-brother who was significantly older than me and moved out when I was 7, he was my main male role model from an early age, rather strong and robust, practiced martial arts and was very tech-savy and into gamer culture. Over time my mother became more controlling and developed several manias, particularly mysophobia. She got sicker and fatter and wouldn't let me roll on grass or even go play with other kids my age outside, she forced me to wash my hands constantly and worked hard to instill the same obsession unto me.

Once I got to primary I found it difficult to adapt to the way school was structured, I just did my own thing and couldn't be made to follow the teacher, I also realized that perhaps because of my lack of physical activity, or maybe even because of my natural disposition, I was significantly weaker than most children my age, which obviously led to bullying. No school knew how to deal with me, I got passed around different schools for almost a year. Once I was locked in a dark room by the principal and forced to stay there for hours until my parents came, detest by all, highly traumatic.

As time went on I got more withdrawn from the world around me while a deep sense of alienation and longing for a place in the world consumed my spirit. After moving to a different( and much browner) place I completely stopped going outside and talking to people, got into anime and became heavily invested online, the internet being my main way of socializing as well as my principal vehicle of escapism. My family started to crumble as we moved again, I became mentally unstable and stayed with relatives while my parents tried to 'sort things out'. I lived with my brother for a bit, the idealized image I had of him slowly melted as I realized he was just a directionless neet who wasted his intellect and youth on mmos. eventually a messy drama-filled divorce ensues, my father gets another woman and shifts priorities to his new cumrag, dumping me with my grandparents, very traumatic. I would never live with either of my parents again.

At this juncture certain 4chan boards had taken a very gay turn, constant gayposting everywhere singing the praises of boypussy. I was 15 at the time, lonely and without direction, craving love and attention. I started to notice the gayposting, slowly it started to sound strangely appealing, the allure of traps grew and I went a step further and started getting into ''cute boys''. Before this I can only remember one instance where I was attracted to males, and very vaguely at that. I had a sort of crush on some character from one of those Disney direct to tv life action films. I was a very young child, 5-6 years old perhaps, I re-watched it a few times just because of that character, I felt something approaching sexual gratification watching that movie.

Maybe I always had the potential to feel homosexual attraction but it was never fully-developed and never manifested itself before this period, during which I memed myself into being attracted to males. Until this point all of my fantasies involved me being dominant, however, I wondered how it would feel to be the object of desire itself, the beloved, and so I started to fantasize about that too, gradually it took hold of my imagination and it became my sole sexual fantasy. It's no surprise that my fantasies took such a turn, being knee-deep in a world full of ugliness stupidity and entropy, that constantly tried to stifle and destroy me and everything I held dear, without a stable home and without a family, desperate for a way out, desperate for a savior.

I developed a crossdressing fetish which slowly erased the boundary between mere homosexuality and "trapping", the straightforward homosexuality was preceded by an attraction to traps, and this homosexuality eventually devolved into wanting to be the ''trap" itself, which was fueled by being praised because of my looks. This started a feed-back loop of further descent into an obsession with femininity. While all of this was happening my old daydreams didn't cease to exist, I still thought of being a hussar, a Germanic warlord etc. There was a clear schism developing in my personality, I became more and more idiosyncratic as I tried to reconcile these contrary desires and ideals with one another. Eventually I began to agonize over what really would really be my ideal existence, my place in the world, whether it was that of an active participant who could change things based on his own will, or a submissive companion to a stronger man, who would nurture and shape me into whatever he desired.

My male role models were all either dead or fictional, meanwhile my father became more and more absent from my life. A sort of ''Arthur complex" arose, I was waiting for the return of the great king from Avalon who would give my life meaning. This manifested itself in two ways, a non-sexual desire for a strong leader to follow and dedicate myself to, and a sexual desire for a partner who would take care of and nurture me, usually in an unequal relationship dynamic where I was beholden to him, fulfilling both a wife and a concubines's role. Sometimes both fantasies would mix with one another.

I started dating a guy who was a bit older than me. He was an excellent manipulator and got me to fall head over heels for him, he encouraged my fetishes and developed them further, he wished to possess me. Eventually he started to nudge me into questioning whether or not I was really meant to be male, at first I thought it was absurd, but over time I internalized it, it did make sense to me at the time, my ideal was to look and act like a girl, I had been striving towards that goal, I couldn't deny it. After a few months the relationship ended but it left me wit irksome doubts and a sense of brokenness, a sense that something was missing. my fetishes intensified along with hefty body dysphoria, I almost took the plunge(not suicide but transition) a few times but barely stopped myself.

Over the years I tried to dial back on it and repress it all, occasionally I would declare total victory and lazily congratulate myself over a job well done, only for the hydra to grow two more heads and attack even more viciously then previously instead. innocuous and meaningless comments would cut deep into me, throwing my mind into a state of frenzy, I would obsesses over my hair and facial features, looking into the mirror for hours. Every attempt to become ''normal' again would be preceded by and ended with a near mental break down and heedless indulgence in my repressed and chained desires, which had grown rabid and vicious without nutriment or light. Struggle began to seem futile, my heart always close to buckling.

Nowadays I feel a bit more secure and confident in myself given some recent personal developments, my resolve has been strengthened and I have become less obsessive, unmeming myself out of the worst excesses of my compulsion, but it would be a lie to say that I have completely overcome it. It still resurfaces from time to time, but I have gotten better at dealing with it, I think. However, still fear the possibility of not being able to bear it next time it fully manifests itself.

(01-03-2023, 11:23 AM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]...

Out of curiosity, what is your age roughly?  Did you have a history of AGP - sexual attraction to the idea of being female, even absent a man - before exposure to internet subcultures?

(01-03-2023, 12:38 PM)Zed Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-03-2023, 11:23 AM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]...

Out of curiosity, what is your age roughly?  Did you have a history of AGP - sexual attraction to the idea of being female, even absent a man - before exposure to internet subcultures?

I'm a bit younger than 9/11. Nothing substantial comes to mind, I remember once thinking that girls had fancier styles of dress and being slightly annoyed by the fact that boys didn't. That's about it really, nothing comes to mind from personal experience or childhood stories related to me later. I did some weird things as a child but nothing of the AGP variety as far as I can recall.

(01-03-2023, 01:25 PM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]I'm a bit younger than 9/11. Nothing substantial comes to mind, I remember once thinking that girls had fancier styles of dress and being slightly annoyed by the fact that boys didn't. That's about it really, nothing comes to mind from personal experience or childhood stories related to me later. I did some weird things as a child but nothing of the AGP variety as far as I can recall.

Interesting. How would you describe you beliefs on being trans? Gay? What are your politics and spiritual inclinations like? 

Did you read my posts earlier in this thread speculating on 'Virtual Dysphoria Machines' - do you feel like it relates to what you experienced?

How have you attempted to 'meme' yourself out it?

Sexual revolution principles intending to normalize mass sexuality didn't really make any effort to address actual problems inherent in sexuality...the idea of "judgment" and people being judged negatively for their sexual proclivities which should supposedly be intellectually irrelevant was only addressed in the typical "dismantling stigma" fashion. There is a deeper issue and it's the tendency for people to define themselves by their sexual activities. People mentioned the idea of trannies and autists being forking paths of the same road...I don't know if I agree with this because the tranny contains the base, animal NPC norp desire to define themselves by their sexuality. I don't think it is actually possible for a tranny to truly see value in celibacy the way people on here can. 

The difference could very well be one of ability to detach yourself from sexuality as the definition of who you are. I don't think people should get into defining themselves this way and I personally think inherint to sex is the ultimate evil, the ultimate way to tempt you to do insane and destructive shit. I am skeptical of the existence of any person in all of history who just wanted to have normal, inoffensive sex and absolutely nothing else. "Normal" sex is a form of ascendence, the properly order marriage and sex life that begets a family being the successful repudiation of the destructive and violent and evil energies that come with sexual acts by default. 

I think this is a tough pill for the general population to swallow, but there really is no profound truth about your self or life to be found in mass sexuality. The importance of it is literally its functional banality, and how deeply the act of moving your dick and out of a hole can affect you, essentially the biggest reminder there is that you are not in total control of everything. But that's inherent to all remotrly sexual experiences...even the first time you end up crushing on a girl back in 3rd grade, you feel the loss of control immediately, fetishistic spelunking endeavors are not needed here at all. 

Most people think of sexuality as being about deeply innate parts of themselves, and never humor how external it really is. Most teens 'discovering' their sexuality right now are not discovering anything within themselves, but being molded into a sexual template by an outsider (hey now this sounds familiar wrt this thread doesn't it?)

(01-03-2023, 11:23 AM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]Eventually I began to agonize over what really would really be my ideal existence, my place in the world, whether it was that of an active participant who could change things based on his own will, or a submissive companion to a stronger man, who would nurture and shape me into whatever he desired.

Thank you Guest. Very interesting reading. I hope putting that down felt okay.

The part which really grabbed me was the piece I've quoted above. I believe that both of the desires above are perfectly reasonable and healthy, and actually compatible. Both come along with the life trajectory of living within a true culture/society. Having heard about your upbringing it's quite easy to see how you developed such painful needs and desires. I think you've caught something very sharply here. The two big social problems for young men. No real cultivation behind us or possibility of being able to cultivate ahead of us.

Of course the real insult here is that we are forced to submit and be shaped in our youths, just what that plays out as is a bunch of neurotic to the point of insanity women torturing you for full-time wagecuck hours your entire youth. Then they want to put you in a box to generate excess productivity which can be siphoned away to keep this cycle going another generation.

(01-03-2023, 02:18 PM)Zed Wrote: [ -> ]Interesting. How would you describe you beliefs on being trans? Gay? What are your politics and spiritual inclinations like? 

Did you read my posts earlier in this thread speculating on 'Virtual Dysphoria Machines' - do you feel like it relates to what you experienced?

How have you attempted to 'meme' yourself out it?

They are both maladaptive socially and psychologically, not unnatural or "sinful" since they are perfectly in accordance with human nature and more broadly they do not break any natural laws, which of course enables their existence, although the conditions necessary for the full manifestation of transsexualism have arisen very recently and therefore it is a much more recent psychological phenomenon than homosexuality. That being said there's a reason why homosexuality, for example, was selected against and repressed in most human societies, and even when it was permitted historically it was contained by certain customs and limitations which regulated and controlled the practice and its practitioners. A good a example would be Wakashudo during the Togukawa Shogunate but also similar and more notable sexual practices and attitudes in Classical Greece and Late Republican and Imperial Rome.

Naturally it's abundantly clear that homosexuality existed in the past, and of course each culture had it's own conception of it, and this doesn't make these historical instances fake or less real than our pozzed iteration of it like some "people" who read a half-dozen pages of Foucault like to claim. It's worth noting that most of it involved youths and if you were a grown man getting bummed after a certain age it was seen as disgrace and a social failure, in Rome for example if a male citizen over a certain age was caught being bummed he could lose his citizenship, senators could lose their seats etc. Nor were "these historical homosexualities" nearly as obsessed with anal sex as our current alphabet retards are, in Greece for example it didn't occur that often in favor or other sexual practices, and this makes sense, for it is generally an unhealthy and unsanitary practice.

That being said(I'm sorry for the tangent, I just wanted to clarify a few things) I think homosexuality in particular is maladaptive because it, especially when widespread and left to it's own devices, is socially corrosive and dysgenic for a society in the long run. Homosexuals too also tend to exhibit other pathologies(some which I myself display) such as low-fidelity and high promiscuity. No society can be build on a fundamentally sterile and dysgenic practice. I don't want to go into too much detail lest I stray too far from the actual topic of this thread, but to conclude this part of my of my reply from a social and rational standpoint I condemn the practice, personally I dislike most alphabet faggots and the average bummer, however, on a personal level I would much rather associate with an intelligent and witty homosexual who shares my sensibilities than with some hecking wholesome midwit family man or someone like that retard aryan genius who got banned a while back. Also personally speaking some of the greatest acts of love were also committed by homosexuals, probably because there's much more room for mutual understanding when both sides are "male-brained", to use a silly word.

This part will probably be a bit more "flimsy", as my thoughts on this are not as clear. I think transsexualism is a graver issue, as it is a negation against what would be one's natural(and I use this with a grain of salt but perhaps ideal or optimal would be a better fit) development, it shows a very stark disconnect between one's self image and desires in contrast to their biological reality, which could only come from maladaptive and ad hoc coping mechanisms and obsessions arising with trauma and/or mental disturbances. It is a sort of reality denial I suppose. Often trannies tend to obsess over certain archetypes of femininity instead of the actual essence of what being a biological woman actually is, probably because they don't understand it, but nor do I fully. One may completely socially transition, perhaps even perfectly master secondary female characteristics and behaviors, but the biological and psychological core of what constitutes a woman will forever be lacking. Most biological women probably don't rationally or consciously understand their nature either, but neither do bees comprehend theirs, and that's because they're completely immersed in it, they live it and subconsciously behave in complete accordance to it, they *are* it. Therefore a tranny's conception of woman is merely woman as perceived or conceived by the male mind, and of course the subject's impressions of the object in question can never entirely grasp the reality of it.

I could ape the most perceivable aspects of femininity and perhaps become the perfect caricature of it, I could extrapolate and emphasize these impressions to perhaps great effect, but I would never be anything but a caricature. the fundamental difference between a tranny and a woman can be seen by the way in which most trannies develop and behave over time, as you yourself pointed out earlier in this thread, after a certain period of time most trannies will lose interest in heterosexual relationships and encounters and shift towards "transbianism". Tranny sexuality fundamentally different from that of a biological woman, the psychology of a tranny is completely different from that of a woman, and while a tranny's body can be feminized and altered to better approach that of a woman it is still fundamentally a male's body. By transitioning one does not become a woman but simply a feminized/broken male, and subconsciously, and some times even with that goal in mind, it is precisely this that most trannies want to become. Naturally this is all predicated on a total inversion of reality's perception and I'm philosophically opposed to it, nor do I think this is good or desirable to a healthy society or individual.

I also agree with an earlier post by Anthony about the commonalities between internet autists of our kind and trannies, both being fundamentally broken and alienated but tending towards different ideals. I think transsexualism is to a large extent exactly that, a great impulse downwards, a giving in to lower impulses and the worm within man. I do sympathize with trannies, however, many being naturally-gifted and intelligent such as yourself, and also because I myself still struggle with the issue, I am a decadent. I think we should be firm in opposing it, but that doesn't mean the best way to deal with trannies is just posting hanging troonjacks and repeating the 41% mantra every time we come across one, a lot of younger trannies and those falling into it can still be salvaged.

I'm not religious nor was I raised in a religious environment, I same some pantheistic notions that are not worth getting into right now but generally speaking I do believe in a first principle that precedes all things, I'm still not sure if I would call it God though. I believe Organized religion is absolutely necessary for any human society as well as part of human nature, having no religion is much greater evil then religion. Every dogma exists for a reason, which not be entirely clear at first glance but it all serves a purpose, or in a worse scenario, at least used to and degenerated into a half-forgotten half-misunderstood form of itself. Most people thrive through the path of obedience and that's fine. I somewhat begrudgingly accord Christianity it's due and admire some aspects of it while fundamentally disagreeing with it's core assertions, I like the more Hellenic aspects of Christianity while disliking it's Hebraic characteristics. I studied the subject in some depth in the past and I find textual as well theological interpretation of the bible both through philological and Christian lenses very interesting and of great important if one wishes to understand the development of the European mind.

Of course I'm rw but I'm not too autistic about defining myself with overly specific jargon, I'm largely a reactionary for lack a better term but not a blind worshipers of dead forms and traditions nor a simple laudator temporis acti. I think our Classical legacy is fundamental to our civilization and one of the reasons behind it's current ills is the degradation of classical learning and knowledge of both Latin and Greek, but specially the former. Also very influenced by Hölderlin in a lot of ways. Some sort of vitalist I guess. I already feel extremely retarded assigning all of these silly labels to myself, not a fan of autistic body politics.

I will respond to the rest of your post later, I have a few things to do at the moment, sorry for the many tangents.

---

last post was probably full of typos because I didn't re-read it before posting, sorry.

(01-03-2023, 09:13 PM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]...

Thank you for the detailed response. As is clear from my own responses, I tend to think about these things in a different way  - eg, I regard the idea of repressing my desires for social conformity as an act of weakness. That said, I feel like you don't see these things as part of your essence, and feel essentially as though you got meme'd/ groomed into it - if perhaps in a decentralized way. So I'll offer some advice -

My experience with knowing people who choose the path of repression via brute force will-power is that they usually fail - because the desire and attraction to the concept persists, and the act of repression increases the intensity of the fantasies when they are indulged. This is of course the story of many a susans place hon from the early 2000s - as you probably well know. One needs to take a different approach.

Desire is a weird thing, and the act of trying to desire a lack of desire is almost an immediate contradiction  - rather than trying to overcome the desire, it is often easier to attempt to either compromise with it or reshape it.  

Compromise can mean allowing yourself to explore these desires in a limited and controlled way - well otherwise living a 'normal' life. Done correctly, perhaps it entails allowing yourself to find a girlfriend that is comfortable with you exploring various aspects of it, at least in the bedroom - there are actually some women who are into it. Or - if you do get a wife  -  perhaps having a close friend that you do stuff with on the side. If you go the latter route, you have to be meticulous and careful and make effort to avoid the excesses that come with such a lifestyle. At a base level, this means no fucking around past the constraint and holding yourself to certain standards that you refuse to cross. Bare minimum, this means no promiscuity - and it could mean more, up to not engaging in sodomy... depending on your tastes. 

Reshaping it is harder, but probably is more likely to give you the results you desire... Most of my desires have always tended in the submissive direction, and very much towards the idea of being the 'beloved' as you described (Echoing Rumi?). Despite that, I mostly assume the dominant role in my current relationship. Why? I fell in love with someone who was truly submissive. With her, I realized that I cared more about making her feel intensely desired than I did about feeling it myself. To do this for her, and change myself for her, was itself an act of submission to love - and that was profoundly erotic to me. From that point on, my desires began to shift,  to the point that I found myself intensely enjoying a role that I had never before wanted to assume. I rarely even think about being submissive anymore --- and if I do --- it naturally channels back towards her. 

On her end, she was deeply uncomfortable having a penis - but understood I was disgusted by the idea of SRS and neovaginas in general. And in time, she also changed how she felt about her body to accommodate that, and did so out of love for me. Several years in, and she has come to be quite comfortable with body as is, and now expresses a similar disgust towards SRS as my own --- yet for the first year of our relationship, she would refuse to take off her underwear in bed. I changed myself for her. She did the same for me.

Perhaps if you meet a woman that you can truly love and desire building a family with, you can perform similar such magic. If you understand the essence of submission in a similar way to I do, then you can channel that desire into becoming dominant and being the man she wants you to be - our of love for her. There is a deep eroticism in that, and perhaps a kind capable of liberating you from this.

I will stop hiding behind the moniker of guest and use my actual account instead, I don't know why I did so to begin with since it doesn't make much of a difference anyway. I will own up to what I wrote. Here is the second part of my reply as promised.

(01-03-2023, 02:18 PM)Zed Wrote: [ -> ]Did you read my posts earlier in this thread speculating on 'Virtual Dysphoria Machines' - do you feel like it relates to what you experienced?

How have you attempted to 'meme' yourself out it?

In regard to the VDM I must confess that the first time I read that post I felt sick to my stomach, I could feel anguish pouring forth from the crevices of my heart, I was awash with it. Something really messed with me at that moment, it took a while to come to my senses. For the most part it is a painfully accurate description the whole process as well as a few of the things I myself experienced.

I would like to briefly remark on a few things: Firstly what women/people in general thought of my desires and the feeling of brokenness that come with it never particularly bothered me nor was it a factor in deciding for or against transitioning. At the time I thought that I could derive no mutual understanding from associating with women, I completely discounted the possibility of having a fulfilling relationship with one because of their inherit nature. Another thing that I thought, and still think, is that transitioning would be tantamount to capitulating to the enemy, capitulating to the world, to my weakness, to external forces alien to my ''essence''. Since I was a child I had this feeling that the world is at war with me and therefore I must stand in opposition to it at all costs.

For some time I also held the belief that transitioning was akin to cheating, I had a very unhealthy sense of pride in my ''femininity'' and appearance, my boyfriend at the time would tell me that I was more beautiful than 95% of all trannies, he would browse /lgbt/ and show me pictures from those passgen threads and tell me that without hrt I already passed better than all of those hons. This of course created a very warped view of my Self. I believed that such ''cheating'' was below my natural ''gifts'' and spurned such cheaters. Of course this is an incredibly stupid and unhealthy mindset to have, and it did me a lot of harm as time went on.

The main impetus behind the thought of transitioning was to preserve what I already had as well as a ghastly fear of aging and being replaced by someone else, someone younger. now unto the "unmemeing".

I tried doing something similar to what I did to meme myself into it, that is creating new habits and patterns of behavior to replace the one's I had adopted in the past, which involved a lot of larping until it actually stuck and became second nature, a cultivation of new ideals. As a youth my mind is still fairly flexible, consequently I tried to undue all the knots while I still could. It's not something that could be done instantly so I tried to ease myself into it. At first a lot if it was too ham-fisted and fell apart easily before the sight of any stress. I also tried to redirect my mental energy into other activities, I was trying to discover what it meant to be a male according to my own nature. Every time I indulged in my compulsions it was mostly suffering and anguish that it brought me, every time I did it, it felt like I was straying further and further away from the daydreams I chased and slowly falling into the worst most filthy crevices of my being. It felt as if I was being punished for it somehow.

t wasn't a complete success but I feel better now and more centered, I think it comes to the fact that perhaps for the first time in my life I managed to engage with the world and change it, I achieved something of my own merit, through my own will, which helped dispel my sense of helplessness. Before I had felt like all of my wishes would simply be torn to pieces on first contact with reality, no matter how hard I struggled I felt like a leaf being lead by the wind. But for once I was the maker of my fate in a meaningful manner, I felt realized and emboldened by this, more confident in my own strength and sense of masculinity. I likewise developed meaningful irl bonds for the first time in almost a decade, with people of my kind of disposition and similar sensibilities, interacting with this new male friend group helped me immensely, I felt as if I had found my promised land. Schubert's sublime piece Der Wanderer perfectly encapsulates the way I felt for years:

Die Sonne dünkt mich hier so kalt,
Die Blüte welke, das Leben alt,
Und was sie reden, leerer Schall,
Ich bin ein Fremdling überall.

Wo bist du, mein geliebtes Land,
Gesucht, geahnt, und nie gekannt?
(...)
Und immer fragt der Seufzer, wo?
Im Geisterhauch tönt's mir zurück,
"dort wo du nicht bist, dort ist das Glück."

While these verses from Goethe's An den Mond( which was beautifully set to music by my dearest Schubert) movingly express the kind of friendship I was later blessed with:

Selig, wer sich vor der Welt
Ohne Haß verschließt,
Einen Freund am Busen hält
Und mit dem genießt,

Was, von Menschen nicht gewußt
Oder nicht bedacht,
Durch das Labyrinth der Brust
Wandelt in der Nacht.

funnily enough the last time I experienced a tranny crisis was when I was temporally removed from the friends and environment which I found so stimulating, and again found myself without agency, isolated and frustrated, perfect conditions to be ambushed by old demons thought to be vanquished.

This feels a bit cliché but physical exercise also helped, I didn't start on my own but later came to relish it. Mishima was an influence here too, his novels as well as that little essay Blood and Steel in particular, to me he's also a relatable figure as we share a lot of common experiences, a notable one being his upbringing. Physical exertion brought me closer to mere reality, to raw being. It's an indescribable feeling, this momentary dissipation into the flux of all things, blissful and acute clarity. The mental clarity that arises after strenuous exercise is wonderful as well. Sexual stimulation has many parallels to this, but compared to exercising indulging in it brought the opposite effect, it obfuscated and tormented, debased sullied my mind, it drove me further into unreality. I don't think I have a healthy relationship with sexuality in all honesty.

(01-04-2023, 12:49 PM)Gaisalaiks Wrote: [ -> ]...

I'm glad you've gotten to a place where you feel better about yourself. BAP is rather on point that at least part of what drives modern homosexuality/transsexuality is a desire for male friendship and a particular distaste/disdain for women - typically arising from the mother. 

I run the risk of sounding Reddit with the following, but: I think it is worthwhile to try to make peace with yourself one way or another - this need not be transition or anything related to it. But it probably means accepting to a degree that those the desires exist within you, and to cease casting aspersions on them (and more importantly, on yourself for experiencing them). In the long term, self-loathing inflicts it's own toll on the soul and cultivates a rather disgusting form of neuroticism. In the worst case, it leads to an absolute mental breakdown and will undermine the salience of your personality. But if you can reach a state where you are at peace with yourself and your experiences, and be able experience your look at your past clear-eyed, then you'll be able to easily avoid the 'Susan's Place' fate. 

As a relevant example: Did you see "The Gay Question" in the recent issue of The Asylum? It's an interesting testimony from someone who did gay shit in his youth, moved on, but found contentment with his experiences and is able to look back on his experiences without regret. I don't know exactly what the equivalent for someone who experienced a trap-phase is... Probably something you would need to figure out for yourself - but I think there must be some value to it, even for someone who chose to walk-away from it. If nothing else, it grants a beautifully different perspective towards experiencing the world and intimacy. As was discussed in the MMO thread, one of the deep pains of life is having to accept that you cannot experience everything, but perhaps - by the end of your life - you will have gotten to experience a little bit more than most.

(01-04-2023, 04:39 PM)Zed Wrote: [ -> ]...

Thank you for the kind words and sound advice, I sincerely appreciate the fact you took your time to reply to all of those posts. I think you are quite right in saying that the only way forward is learning to live with it one way or another. I'm not sure which path I'll choose yet but that's something only my conscience can decide.

I have indeed read that article by Citizen of Geneva and perhaps an approach like his might be the solution. I think it's beautiful in a sense, leaving the party at its most lively so as to only remember the best of it, knowing when it's time to stop before things turn sour.

Perhaps you are right, my life has been an odd one but I definitely can't say it was boring. I can only hope that its conclusion will be as amusing. It's my sincere desire to leave something beautiful behind, the better part of me.

"This is getting out of hand! Now, there are two of them!"

I think Acktrazine gangrenous growth coaler should shut down this forum and ursprachungsraumabgenoßenheitrhaeumtraumatizalized this trash heap of roundworms before the next AIDS epidemic begins

(01-06-2023, 10:39 AM)Tiferhil Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-06-2023, 09:38 AM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]I think  Acktrazine gangrenous growth coaler should shut down this forum and ursprachungsraumabgenoßenheitrhaeumtraumatizalized this trash heap of roundworms before the next AIDS epidemic begins

You will never be His Majesty Prince od Frogtwtitter.

Even tho Lingtsang Gyurma loves me and hates this ossified

(01-06-2023, 09:38 AM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]I think Acktrazine gangrenous growth coaler should shut down this forum and ursprachungsraumabgenoßenheitrhaeumtraumatizalized this trash heap of roundworms before the next AIDS epidemic begins

Well said. I would rather this forum have a more heterosexual bent. Philosophy over conceptual history. Vigorous debate of ideas with great practical or theoretical merit over "interesting ideas". I want partisan right wing extremism. I want you to teach me everything you know about biology and genomics. I want high IQ and high testosterone men to talk about things that are of great importance or of great practical value (which some of you trannies scorn as self-improvement), not mysticisms and trivialities. You should have cut aryangenius88 and the national kid some slack. They are bright young men and the stuff they posted is more interesting than most of the posts on here. Even though I have been friendly to Zed, I don't want this forum to devolve into a tranny hugbox where we talk about "wacky African tribes that are kinda based", "why granite countertops are bad", "the Slavic Catholic fascist that was more dripped out than Mosley and more based than Hitler", "neocons are from the intellectual tradition of Marxism", "andrew tate is icky", etc. like The Salo Forum.

(01-06-2023, 08:24 PM)BillyONare Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-06-2023, 09:38 AM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]I think  Acktrazine gangrenous growth coaler should shut down this forum and ursprachungsraumabgenoßenheitrhaeumtraumatizalized this trash heap of roundworms before the next AIDS epidemic begins

Well said. I would rather this forum have a more heterosexual bent. Philosophy over conceptual history. Vigorous debate of ideas with great practical or theoretical merit over "interesting ideas". I want partisan right wing extremism. I want you to teach me everything you know about biology and genomics. I want high IQ and high testosterone men to talk about things that are of great importance or of great practical value (which some of you trannies scorn as self-improvement), not mysticisms and trivialities. You should have cut aryangenius88 and the national kid some slack. They are bright young men and the stuff they posted is more interesting than most of the posts on here. Even though I have been friendly to Zed, I don't want this forum to devolve into a tranny hugbox where we talk about "wacky African tribes that are kinda based", "why granite countertops are bad", "the Slavic Catholic fascist that was more dripped out than Mosley and more based than Hitler", "neocons are from the intellectual tradition of Marxism", "andrew tate is icky", etc. like The Salo Forum.

You're welcome to post about whatever you want. And we have julius's substack now. Go buy his books if you think he's not a drooling retard trying to shortcut to internet prestige.

---

You people are such a disappointment.

I was expecting this reaction tbh, oh well.

I don't think I have said anything absurd, I just merely related a series of unfortunate circumstances and my attempts to remedy it all. I did say I fear the possibility of losing, but never did I speak of capitulation. We were all born into this cesspool of an age, and no matter how much we would like to deny it, we are part of it too, everyone has been tainted by it, we are all broken.

I think it's a bit silly to resent someone simply for being candid about their sickness and how they have attempted to treat it.

(01-07-2023, 08:29 AM)Gaisalaiks Wrote: [ -> ]I was expecting this reaction tbh, oh well.

I don't think I have said anything absurd, I just merely related a series of unfortunate circumstances and my attempts to remedy it all. I did say I fear the possibility of losing, but never did I speak of capitulation. We were all born into this cesspool of an age, and no matter how much we would like to deny it, we are part of it too, everyone has been tainted by it, we are all broken.

I think it's a bit silly to resent someone simply for being candid about their sickness and how they have attempted to treat it.

You're completely right of course. I'm sorry that this place has let you down.

(01-07-2023, 08:29 AM)Gaisalaiks Wrote: [ -> ]We were all born into this cesspool of an age, and no matter how much we would like to deny it, we are part of it too, everyone has been tainted by it, we are all broken.

I think it's a bit silly to resent someone simply for being candid about their sickness and how they have attempted to treat it.

We are not the same, some were not meant to survive infancy but modern medicine preserved their lives. Some people are inherently better than other and other significantly inferior, this is merely a statement of fact. Tranny are a product of the subjective Triumph over the objective reality. To a tranny their subjective thoughts are holy, divine. In reality they are utterly meaningless, there’s nothing to be learned from them. If you read what the tranny had to say it’s the equivalent of watching him master-bait and trying to find profundity in his actions, mere folly. It’s like trying to understand schizophrenia from hearing the patients visions and listening to there warped logic ramblings, it’s pointless.

---

(01-07-2023, 09:00 AM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-07-2023, 08:29 AM)Gaisalaiks Wrote: [ -> ]We were all born into this cesspool of an age, and no matter how much we would like to deny it, we are part of it too, everyone has been tainted by it, we are all broken.

I think it's a bit silly to resent someone simply for being candid about their sickness and how they have attempted to treat it.

We are not the same, some were not meant to survive infancy but modern medicine preserved their lives. Some people are inherently better than other and other significantly inferior, this is merely a statement of fact. Tranny are a product of the subjective Triumph over the objective reality. To a tranny their subjective thoughts are holy, divine. In reality they are utterly meaningless, there’s nothing to be learned from them. If you read what the tranny had to say it’s the equivalent of watching him master-bait and trying to find profundity in his actions, mere folly. It’s like trying to understand schizophrenia from hearing the patients visions and listening to there warped logic ramblings, it’s pointless.

You seem to be suggesting that a person who will grow up to be the archetypal "tranny" can be identified out of a batch of healthy newborn babies.
That's idiotic.
You also seem to be suggesting you know what objective reality is, but look at where you are: your assertions about what constitutes "objective reality" "objectively better and deserving to live" have been relegated to a small support group forum for balding males in an unknown corner of the internet.
The political power of people like you has been reduced to almost nothing.
Think carefully about that before replying.

Good job Guest, you sure showed Guest.